#5

I had a rough night last night.
I feel a little like shit but then again i am kind of happy.
A part of my life is about to end and it is going to end in a very ugly way. I wish i could do something to change this but i can't and to be honest i really don't want to. When things are not working out and you have no desire to fix them, it is always better to end them. I mean people will get hurt, i am getting hurt too, but i feel that this is the better decision. I am not happy right now with this situation and if i leave it like this i will become more and more miserable. So, yeah, i am glad this is ending. New year, new beginning, right?

There are moments in life when you have no other choice but to pretend. Pretending makes you a liar. I don't want to be a liar, i am not a liar. But i have to pretend. And i will pretend. Does this makes me a bad person? I know that my intentions are not bad. I just want to make a friend happy and support her. I think she is making a mistake but i can't tell her that, i can't tell her this in the face. I will hurt her and she might hate me. Hm!

I know i am not making sense. Well i am making sense to me, but not to you who accidentally got on this page, but then again i am writing this for me... :) so it is all cool.

I make a promise to myself..., someday very soon i will write this totally funny and cool and optimistic post. I want to do it and i have what to say, but for now i am not in the right mood i guess...

I got the the coin from the banitza last night, this means i will be lucky and happy next year. So..., yeah, YAY to me!!!

#4

Jesus Fucking Christ!
I got really scared today, like i almost paniced...
What's it called when you faint but not really? I don't know the word for that.
All of a sudden you start to feel sick, your muscles go weak, slowly you lose sight. The black overtakes everything... black with many very tiny white dots... at this moment you start freaking and wondering WTF is going on. You are still standing on your feet, you still hear what is going on around you, but you can't see, you see nothing, your eyes are open, you keep them open, you force yourself to see, but you can't. You feel your body heating up. Sweat covers your face, you feel it running down your back, your legs... You are afraid to move, what if you suddenly drop on the ground, you are alone. You blink, you turn your head a little, you are trying to god damn make the black away... It is scary, really scary. And then after a couple of minutes... all is coming back, the black turns to grey, the grey turns to colours, the colours take shape. You thank God that this is over, you ask yourself what has just happened, are you dreaming? You start walking slowly, automatically, then you feel really cold. Everything is over now, you are still standing on your feet, but what the hell was that?...
I need to see a doctor...
Pfft!

ETA: I am fine really!

#3

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, i feel much better now!

#2

I created this thing with the intention to eventually start posting here regularly. I did really. But as always nothing ever turns up as i want it to be. But why should it, then life would be boring, heh! I swear my head is full with ideas (random shit) that i can write up here, but everytime i get my big ass to the computer and log in and ... blah blah i wirte something and then i just don't post it. I log out and get off the computer feeling really low and stupid. Well i am stupid anyway, so i suppose i only feel low.
So here i am, writing some meaningless stuff...
I like sheep. I like to sleep with my fluffy sheep. His name is Pedro. (Oh, before i continue... i don't there to be some missunderstandings... i am not that perverted and i talk about stuffed animal here ;) although this could be considered as perverted too... i am way too old to play with toys) Anyway... Pedro gives me comfort, sometimes i feel really lonely and Pedro is there ... Oh God, how pathetic am I?! Yeah, i will not continue this one...
I so wish i could say somethings here... get them off my head, but fuck i can't. i can't cause i am chicken. Sometimes i wish i didn't care that much about what others think of me. (one more thing to proove how stupid i am)
I am a nice person really. Well, at least i want to look at myself as a nice person. Are you a nice person when you hurt someone, just because you know this is for the best and if you leave things the way they are you will just end up in a shit hole? ...
Isn't it great... you sit with the intention to write a funny post and what comes out is just... nothing.
I think i really suck at this writing. oh, and by the way i can be funny sometimes... i guess it is not the right moent now.
I have a new online friend, yeah ... friend. I really like that person! I know you will be reading this... so... you are crazy and yet so charming ;)!

ok, i can't do this anymore. maybe someday i will have my fun burst and i will post again.

#1

Life's a total bitch. I love it ;)