I've been missing lately. My body was here, but my mind... it was stuck somewhere in between.
I think I am acting a little not like me and in general I am being a total dick. I don't know if it is the spring or something else, but I kind of feel the need to be on my own, doing nothing. I hate this feeling. I noticed that I am keeping away from my friends. Well I am there, but not quite. I smile, but not quite. I pay attention, but not quite. I participate, but not quite. This is awful. I feel like I am lying them all in the face. I am just floating about and trust me like 80% of the time I am just there, looking people in the eyes, smoking the next cigarette and the next one (I smoke too much lately, way too much... a pack is not always enough to last me 2 days, I know... I will cut them down) my body is there and where the hell is my mind. I hate it! I can't talk to people lately. I can do the general stuff "hi-hello-what's up?-blah blah" YUCK! So freaking fake. This is why I am not so much here and there, I don't want to be fake. Brrr. It is my period. I feel it coming pretty soon... say in 4 days. The pre-period days and the first period day... oh.my.god. Everything annoys me so much... and I feel I am starting to get little by little annoyed...
My mum, I repeat my mUm with an 'U', has birthday today. Happy birthday, mum! I haven't called her yet. Why I haven't called her? My battery is running low..., yeah but this is why I have my charger with me..., nope it is not this. She's at work, she probably can't talk... bullshit, it is her birthday, she is allowed a few more phone calls... I am at work... what? yeah, whatever, it is not this. My mum is depressed... I have to wish her something nice, I have to cheer her up, well I suck at making wishes and I so want to avoid the universal stuff (health, luck, love). Sure those are the most important wishes, but so trivial. And my mind is so trivial at the minute. What if I somehow fail to brighten her day up? I don't want that! I will think of something, I will call her later... well, actually I will not think of anything and I will just improvise, but I will do it the way I always do it... in the fucking last minute. Why do I always wait till the last minute... I aim the best and yet I only do one try to achieve it. Oh, I know... it is easier to excuse yourself then... "well I didn't have time to make it better, blah blah again" I am such a dick sometimes, cause I know what I do wrong, I know how to make it right, but yeah... why doing it? Cause I am dick! I admit, sometimes the last minute improvisations are quite charming and impressive, but only sometimes. Someday I will fuck myself so bad with this and I will regret is so much and I will hate myself then. I don't want to hate myself. Anyway...
I don't like my hands today. It is good that I still have my martenitzas and my super duper cool watch to make them look better :).
Las Vegas in less than 3 weeks... I don't know how I feel about this trip... I am happy yes, but at the same time I don't really care. Damn me! I should be jumping up and down with happiness. Well, I am not, smack me!
I am going home tomorrow... Oh, the quantity of food that will be there... Both grannies will be there... Oh, the annoyance! Wish me luck, you all.
O.K. I am done with the useless rambling. I did not read it, so I know it might be a mess and full of grammatical mistakes. Oh, well... you are the tricked ones, cause you read it.
Oh and since I love ETAs...
ETA: Just for the sake of it!!! Hihi
I think I am acting a little not like me and in general I am being a total dick. I don't know if it is the spring or something else, but I kind of feel the need to be on my own, doing nothing. I hate this feeling. I noticed that I am keeping away from my friends. Well I am there, but not quite. I smile, but not quite. I pay attention, but not quite. I participate, but not quite. This is awful. I feel like I am lying them all in the face. I am just floating about and trust me like 80% of the time I am just there, looking people in the eyes, smoking the next cigarette and the next one (I smoke too much lately, way too much... a pack is not always enough to last me 2 days, I know... I will cut them down) my body is there and where the hell is my mind. I hate it! I can't talk to people lately. I can do the general stuff "hi-hello-what's up?-blah blah" YUCK! So freaking fake. This is why I am not so much here and there, I don't want to be fake. Brrr. It is my period. I feel it coming pretty soon... say in 4 days. The pre-period days and the first period day... oh.my.god. Everything annoys me so much... and I feel I am starting to get little by little annoyed...
My mum, I repeat my mUm with an 'U', has birthday today. Happy birthday, mum! I haven't called her yet. Why I haven't called her? My battery is running low..., yeah but this is why I have my charger with me..., nope it is not this. She's at work, she probably can't talk... bullshit, it is her birthday, she is allowed a few more phone calls... I am at work... what? yeah, whatever, it is not this. My mum is depressed... I have to wish her something nice, I have to cheer her up, well I suck at making wishes and I so want to avoid the universal stuff (health, luck, love). Sure those are the most important wishes, but so trivial. And my mind is so trivial at the minute. What if I somehow fail to brighten her day up? I don't want that! I will think of something, I will call her later... well, actually I will not think of anything and I will just improvise, but I will do it the way I always do it... in the fucking last minute. Why do I always wait till the last minute... I aim the best and yet I only do one try to achieve it. Oh, I know... it is easier to excuse yourself then... "well I didn't have time to make it better, blah blah again" I am such a dick sometimes, cause I know what I do wrong, I know how to make it right, but yeah... why doing it? Cause I am dick! I admit, sometimes the last minute improvisations are quite charming and impressive, but only sometimes. Someday I will fuck myself so bad with this and I will regret is so much and I will hate myself then. I don't want to hate myself. Anyway...
I don't like my hands today. It is good that I still have my martenitzas and my super duper cool watch to make them look better :).
Las Vegas in less than 3 weeks... I don't know how I feel about this trip... I am happy yes, but at the same time I don't really care. Damn me! I should be jumping up and down with happiness. Well, I am not, smack me!
I am going home tomorrow... Oh, the quantity of food that will be there... Both grannies will be there... Oh, the annoyance! Wish me luck, you all.
O.K. I am done with the useless rambling. I did not read it, so I know it might be a mess and full of grammatical mistakes. Oh, well... you are the tricked ones, cause you read it.
Oh and since I love ETAs...
ETA: Just for the sake of it!!! Hihi
2 comments:
Plamko?
How are you - I miss you?
What about "I love you, мамо" - this is totally enough for any mother.
And look here:
http://mynik.blogspot.com/2007/03/blog-post_08.html
You should call me if you feel alone, you know, don't you?
Ah, my dear Mynik!
Everything is good with me.
I miss you too and fuck me but we have to go for a beer or two, or in your case many more!!!
Mum was happy when I called, therefor I was happy too :)
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