#161 Autumn

And all of a sudden it is autumn. And damn, it took me by surprise. And I shouldn't be surprised. It is the fucking middle of October already. Time flies, it really does. The weather really is amazing... one day you see people in t-shirts, the sun is hot on your skin and you sweat like a pig and the next morning... The next morning you wake up at 17 °C and by the time you get to work (say it takes you half an hour) it is already 7 °C, and it is raining, and there are grey clouds, pressing down the rooftops and within 24 hours the termometre shows fucking 1 °C, and the chilly wind brings snowflakes... People are wearing winter coats and boots and scarves and hats now and the sun is shining once again but it isn't hot on the skin. I don't like the cold, I have never liked the cold. My body hates the cold. And yet I refuse to admit it is time for me to rearrange my wardrobe and I feel cold and I clench my teeth. And again it is time for day dreaming, time for going through the summer days, regretting some, loving others. And I find myself still caring and some minutes are hard. And all I can do is register presence. Pros/Cons... ignoring the future, ignoring the hard decisions to be made in the future. Making silly plans. Taking the not so healthy choices with the clear awareness of it. Lighting a cigarette in the middle of the night and feeling damn good about it.
Hold my hand and look me in the eyes, will you?