#188 three months

Do I feel disappointed? Do I feel hurt? I don't know how the hell I feel. I know it sucks and I know it bothers the hell out of me and it reflects on all my actions, reactions and emotions. My "happy, happy, happy" has turned into "happy, happ". I am fucking losing my happy and this fills my eyes with tears. I know it shows on my face. I stopped making efforts hiding it. I just don't want to even try hiding it. It is eating me alive from the inside. I've lost my sleep, I've lost my desire, I am losing it in general. It is not supposed to be like this... And actually I am looking forward to the days when there will be minimal or none contact whatsoever. Yes, things are that bad in my head... And this time it is not the full moon nor the PMS... It is me!

And I don't care who reads this, I just need to let it out...

This is my poor attempt to handle all this... I just don't have the guts to stand up for myself... I have never had the guts... and it's been a disaster every single time...

I am a jerk...

FUCK IT!

#187

Добре де, как успях да го постигна това... Отново. Мразя тъпите очаквания. Тъпите очаквания могат да сринат всичко. От тъпите очаквания боли. Тъпите очаквания изкривяват реалността. Моите тъпи очаквания ми бъркат в червата. Моите тъпи очаквания изтриват усмивката от лицето ми. Моите тъпи и неосновани очаквания ме променят осезаемо. Моите тъпи очаквания ме карат да пуша. Моите тъпи очаквания убиват желанието ми. Моите тъпи очаквания предизвикват съмнения. Моите тъпи очаквания ме карат да се преструвам. Моите тъпи очаквания си остават само очаквания... Уви.

#186

I am shutting myself in...

I wonder how big of a mess it will cause this time... how many people will I hurt... how bad things will end...

---

(under the line)

I fucking hate PMSing.

#185

I couldn't help but wonder... is masturbating cheating?

It fucking bothers me. I know I don't think of it as a big of a deal right now, but it will hit me... It will hit me so hard and I am so scared of the consequences.

I wish I could find the fucking reason for all this. What the fuck is wrong, what the fuck is missing, what the fuck in general?!

Talk is cheap...

I am in the shithole once again... Too bad the sun won't be able to help me out this time.

I've started thinking about it and it digs deeper and deeper in my brain... Grrr. I will so fuck things up, people will get hurt...

What sucks is that it is starting to show on my face. I just can't hide it. I don't know if I want to hide it at all, but then again I can't talk about it... I am losing it...

Tonight should have been last night. Tonight won't be what last night was supposed to be. Tonight I wish I could just watch a movie and I wish this will not provoke questions... Questions that I am pretty sure I know the answers to, but... yeah... BUT.

Right now I am not even sure I want to be there and watch a movie... Right now I am in the shithole... with a sinking heart... FUUUCK ME!