#144 FUCK OFF

[10:18:14] person I've known for 16 years: I am shocked
[10:18:20] P.: why are you shocked
[10:18:26] person I've known for 16 years: because of you
[10:18:53] person I've known for 16 years: I've always thought you were joking, but maybe not
[10:19:25] P.: I am not joking
[10:19:51] person I've known for 16 years: you are not normal
[10:20:12] person I've known for 16 years: when did you go under the rainbow?
[10:20:56] P.: Why I am not normal?
[10:21:16] person I've known for 16 years: because this is NOT the natural course of things


If you have problems with my sexuality go fuck yourself and leave me alone!
God, I am so pissed! And guess what, I am more normal than you! Fucker!

#119

No wonder I cried for 20 minutes last night (over a TV series). I got my period today.

My new year's was a blast with high temperature and snots and a sore throat. Still I liked it very much. I am almost over the flu now. YAY me. It took me like 6 days to fight it. Now I am expecting the chickenpox to cover all my body in disgusting spots. This time it is serious. I didn't have it as a kid and had direct contact with a person who was contageous... Aaaanytime now... I can't wait to face my misery.

I've been sprnding my days in bed lately, sleeping mostly. I figured it is the easiest way to not feel the sickness.

Work tomorrow. I would be happy and sxcited about it, if it wasn't for the stupid snow... won't it stop snowing already, isn't three days in a row nonstop snowing enough? Actually it is very beautiful outside, only because people are still home, doing nothing. The nastiness on the streets will start tomorrow.

H. is moving out at the end of the month. I completely ban that thought from my mind. It is very sad. I would quote someone from "Friends" (it was either Monica or Rachel) ... it would be the end of an era... Pft.

#90

Къде е границата между сляпо доверие и всичко останало, всичко което крещи "Ибахти мамата, видя ли ся как те врътнаха"? Много е трудно да направиш преценка. Поне на мен ми е трудно. Може би съм наивна и да, май наистина съм наивна, и вярвам в хората. Вярвам в хората, които познавам, вярвам и в хората, които не познавам толкова добре. Когато 6-тото чувство и тази пуста наивност влязат в люта битка, положението става опасно. Защото тук златната среда просто не съществува. Или е черно или бяло, сиви петна няма, сивото е провал! Сигурно има адекватна реакция в подобна ситуация, убедена съм че има, но също така ще има обидени и сърдити. Разбира се ти се опитваш да разрешиш проблемчето, ама не става! 'Щото на теб ти обясняват, ти слушаш и искаш да повярваш, ама пък все пак очи имаш, виждаш нещата, усещаш че нещо все пак не е както трябва, изразяваш притеснения и се почва едно връткане в един порочен кръг. Ти хем искаш да повярваш, хем сърце не ти дава, защото колкото и условности да има и т.н., някак си нереалистично и някак си превзето започва да ти се струва всичко, ей така на втори поглед. Врътки на 180◦ не стават току-така, просто хората са добри актьори. Еми да ви пикая на театъра. Но какво става, когато наистина харесваш представлението? Ами просто е... преструваш се на наивен, чувстваш се кофти, ама и ти играеш. Ролята е наистина добра, ти знаеш че не е за теб и най-вероятно ще се провалиш и все пак упорстваш, защото вярваш...

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Под чертата: Направих много кратък и абсолютно неуспешен опит да откажа цигарите. На сила не става, това е!

#86 February

I haven't blogged in a while. I wouldn't say that February was a boring month, on the contrary, it was full of emotions. Bad emotions. Well and a few nice ones... So now I will do a quick summary and I know I will probably forget to mention something but eh...

My grandfather passed away on 21 Feb. I never really got a chance to really mourn. I was at work when my mother told me and I had to keep straight face then. When I got home I had to keep a straight face for my family, I wanted to be strong for them. On the day of the funeral my mother drugged me with sedatives... it didn't stop me from crashing at some point, but it kinda kept my tears inside me. There are moments now when I think of him, he was a great man, full of live and up to party and ever understanding, I miss him so much and I shed a tear every once in a while. I haven't dealt with it and I know some night I will just cry my eyes out for him. Rest in peace grand daddy, I loved you so much.

Somewhere during this, one of my wisdom teeth decided to add up to my misery. It was painful and uncomfortable. I am getting it pulled out and I kind of was assured of my dentist that it is going to be very painful... which is nice... not!

I lost a true friendship. It hurts.

Work's ok.

A friend of mine is going to be a daddy and is getting married this May. I am so excited. I didn't expect this from him, but hey, life is full of surprises. I am so happy for him and his girlfriend.

I was told I am mysterious in a way and keep a lot of things to myself. I know I do that. I work on being more open, but I know that some things just have to stay for myself. If I can deal with them myself is another question...

The sun is shining, there is hope...

#74 "You are an Owl!"

Yes, I know, I got surprised as well and a tiny "wtf" crossed my mind (on a side note... wtf is just plain adorable with cyrillic letters -> "втф", I bet no one really gets this, but I swear it cracks me up, haha). I wasn't happy seeing this cutie and being compared to it, but then again, it might be true. I am a Scorpio and I so don't belong to the commonly accepted opinion about our sex behaviour and blah blah. I am a boring and retarded, and kinda narrow-minded lover. *gasp*. And to think, I have such wonderful and passionate and oh so hot fantasies. The power of the mind is unlimited, really!

Aaanyway... here's a little quote:

"Reserved and thoughtful, you choose your partners carefully and with caution. You are respected by your partners and are not easily taken advantage of. You are charming and romantic but it takes courage for you to open up to someone sexually. Once you do open up you are an attentive lover and pleasing your partner is more important to you than personal gratification."

I'd really like to believe that last sentence there, but thinking back I would say that I tend to be rather selfish and less giving. Pfft. I wonder if I really clicked the right answers or clicked the answers I wished were right?

Then again, I really don't believe any of this shit ;)

Oh..., so what animal are you in bed?

ETA: В стаята ми има бухал! Буху, буху...
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Today is a really special day. And I would like to wish my great friend a happy birthday!

Честит рожден ден, Нинко!!!
Обичам те!